- Let's not let teenagers trick-or-treat anymore. Little kids are cute, but when a 17 year-old shows up at your door at 9:00 pm with no costume save a ball cap on sideways, and when you ask him what he's supposed to be, replies with a snarl "a gangster", the whole process kind of loses its charm. I used to buy some of those nasty molasses kisses to give to kids like this so they wouldn't slit my tires, but I noticed in the paper today that Cadbury has stopped making them, so there goes that strategy. I suggest that we have a collective policy - no trick-or-treating after grade six. As a libertarian, I don't think we need to pass a law to this effect, but certainly we can figure out ways to embarass older kids into stopping.
- No more zombies. Dressing up as a zombie is a cop-out - a little white face paint and some dark eyeshadow - you call that a costume? I was in a coffee shop tonight and a couple walked in obviously on the way to a Hallowe'en party dressed as zombies - I couldn't tell the difference between them and the regular thugs and crack whores who hang out in the area. When I was a kid, we dressed my brother up like Yasser Arafat and sent him out - now THAT's a costume.
- No costumes at work. I had to go to work today with my boss dressed like a 1920's flapper and another colleague in a Sponge Bob Square Pants outfit. Can't we have a little dignity? The tellers at the bank were dressed like vampires - that sure gave me confidence in the banking system.
- Abolish the use of orange garbage bags as home decorations. You know the kind I mean - they have a jack-o-lantern face printed on the front, and people fill them with leaves and leave them lying around the front yard. Who thought this was a good idea - they're supposed to look like pumpkins? To me, they look like garbage.
- Stop the inane local news stories that are repeated every year at Hallowe'en. You know the ones - how to trick-or-treat safely, how to apply reflective tape to costumes to protect kids while running around in traffic, long stories about the extravagant vulgarly-decorated houses that look like Las Vegas theme hotels. Enough already. While we're at it, radio stations can stop playing novelty occult-themed songs like Monster Mash all freakin' day.
So, who's with me? Let's start a movement here - if it saves one man's sanity, isn't it worth it?